I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
