My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
