I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
