I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
