woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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