drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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