My room smells like vodka and shame
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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