i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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