So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
