I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
