What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
