M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
