Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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