why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
