just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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