Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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