My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
