Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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