it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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