I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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