I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
