My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm having to shit out rocks
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