He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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