i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
