i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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