i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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