Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
