Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
