We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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