Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
