watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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