Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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