I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
