I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
