You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
