my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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