The maid of honor just puked.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
