Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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