How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize