My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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