I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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