the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize