No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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