I didn't shave. On purpose
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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