Grow some girl-balls and come out already
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
