I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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