Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
