I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
