I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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