The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
