So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
