I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
