I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
