we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
