She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize