Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
