My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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