dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
