not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
it's like iHOP with fire
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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