He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
why is half of my head shaved?
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