Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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