i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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