I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
