you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
