and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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