The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
